Acceptance, abundance, and other peoples' approval.

Kindness. Always kindness.

I have made a strange discovery. I've noticed that whenever we have people come to stay - be it family or friends - I get huge anxieties about food. I feel like my fridge is empty (it's not) and that I don't feed my kids/family properly (I do). When I'm on the spot to think what to cook guests for dinner,  my mind goes completely blank and I can't think of a single thing that I cook for us. I feel like what we eat isn't good enough for others.

Here's what we do eat (and what's in my fridge at the moment):

Fruit (my go-to snack for the kids)

Vegetables

Homemade Greek yoghurt

Cheese 

Milk (soy & dairy)

Gluten free pasta

Pulses

Passata/tinned tomatoes

Freerange eggs (from our girls)

Dried fruit

Nuts

Tuna

Free range chicken / a roast

Brown rice

Bread (wholemeal / rye / sour dough)

Pantry staples (stock cubes/coconut oil/soy sauce/jam/honey/nut butter  etc)

Any slices, biscuits, cakes I bake myself and are sugar, preservative, colour & dairyfree. 

So that's a basic rundown. Occasionally we have things like weetbix, baked beans, fruit purées or crackers.

Clearly a full, wholefood, very healthy pantry/fridge. 

We eat stirfrys, quiches, roasts, pasta, smoothies, juices, burgers, fajitas, pies, fruit, homemade baked goods, salads, stews, curries, soups...

So why, when we have company, do I feel like the cupboard is bare and that I don't feed my kids properly?! 

Found! A feral mint patch in the gully! FREE FOOD! Woot!

Take for example today, with my mother in law visiting. Katie said she was hungry and I offered her an apple and instantly felt sting-y and lazy. Like bad parent. A pauper. For offering her fruit as a snack. ("Is that all you have?!")

Here's what we don't have:

Processed cereals.

Packaged biscuits or muesli bars.

Soft drink or cordial. (Ever.)

Milo

Icecream

Sweetened flavoured yoghurt

Cage eggs (EVER.)

Processed cheeses

️Frozen pre-made meals 

Jar sauces/flavour sachets/tinned soups.

But for some reason, these are the foods I feel I should have when guests come! I feel like my kids must be undernourished & underfed because there are no pizza shapes or string cheese stick in their house! 

Blackberry-ing in the gully.

What is this anxiety & where does it come from?!?? 

Clearly I'm doing the right things (just ask your GP!)! And anyone who can't find something to eat in my house needs some nutritional advice - not me!

But the minute I have people come to stay, I feel the irrational urge to fill my fridge with processed food, sugar, salt, & dead animals. 

Why am I such a people pleaser?! That I will actually do what I know is wrong and unhealthy, just to make people like me! To feel 'acceptable'! Why do I need to justify the way I eat and live to anyone  anyway?!?!

I guess it's the age-old predicament. And the instant you say "I don't eat that" people want to tell you why you're wrong. Why they're right. 

"You have to eat meat! There's no protein in vegetables! Why would you want to do something so ridiculous?!" 

(What?: Care about my food, nourish the people I love, and not wanna hurt things? Yeah - I'm one KER-AY-ZEE woman!) 

Ugh. I need a lesson in confidence, self esteem, and 'not-givin'-a-f-ck'! 

Basil, baldness, bargains, and being 'busy'.

It's a snippets post! Ispired by one of Kate's.

harvesting

Basil! Omigosh the basil! Im gonna have to start giving more pesto away! And we harvested all of our corn. It was really successful, so I dried an ear as an experiment, and planted a few dry corn kernals in our foam seed boxes, and blow me down: They germinated! So looks we're gonna get another round of that yummy corn! YIPPEE! Self-sufficiency!

'Hoppy' - so photogenic!

reading

The House of Elliot by Jean Marsh. Did you ever see the TV series set in the 20s/30s? It was delicious. The book is just as delicious!

loving



My new slow juicer! I got it on Gumtree for $20 - BARGAIN! Totally worth driving across Melbourne and getting lost for! It's the kind that makes pasta, and sorbet too. The sorbet is AWESOME.

Mango Sorbet. Ingredients: ...mangoes.

It gets a bit less juice per amount of fruit than my old hurom juicer, but it does wheatgrass, sugarcane, frozen fruit, AND it's so much easier to clean! BIG BONUS!

knitting

I'm about to start a beanie for Ben's poor unprotected scalp!



His hair finally started to fall out from the chemo, and it was kinda 'sting-y', so he took the plunge and shaved it all off. And knock me down: IT ACTUALLY SUITS HIM!!! He looks about 10 years younger!




What a revalation!!!

planting

Wheatgrass for juice, but I've had some very mixed results. I put it on a windowsill. In the dark. In the light. In the full sun. In dirt. On paper towels. In peat. Lots of water. Just a mist. Covered with wet newspaper. Uncovered. But despite all my experimenting, I never manage to get the thick lush carpet of grass you see online. I just get a really sickly, wispy few tendrils in a whole tray, which equate to less than a shot of juice. But still I keep trying... It's meant to be so easy to grow!?

buying

FRUIT! Tonnes of it! I've been trying to inject as much raw fresh food into our diet as we can to keep as all as healthy as possible while Ben's body deals with chemo. And there's SO MUCH beautiful summer fruit around! The mangoes! The watermelon! And OH the lychees!!!

sticking

- washing in the machine, dishes in the sink, pellets in the chook feeder, toys in the cupboard, the kids' clean clothes in their wardrobes... It never ends; the 'business'. I wish I was better at being still. I remember being present when I was young. Relishing moments, living in the now, fully enjoying and appreciating an experience. Somewhere along the line, I lost that. Im always 3-steps ahead: Planning, listing, predicting, anticipating, worrying... I dont REALLY enjoy things like I did as a child, because I'm always somewhere else. Or watching the clock. Or counting my bank balance. Or anticipating disaster.I wonder how I can reclaim that child-like sense of now: Where afternoons lasted forever, and days were full of suprises?



watching

The new series of Broadchurch. I was addicted to series one. I'm already addicted to season two. We always have to watch 'just one more episode', no matter how late it is!

relishing

Moments of 'unplugged' childhood play. Games with marbles, craft with wool and paint, picnics with toys, making up dance performances, conversations with fairies, games with princess and crowns and magic powers.







listening

To the sounds of Hill Shadow Farm: Horses whinneying, kookaburras laughing, Lennon crowing, Tara talking herself to sleep in her cot, the fridge turning on and off briefly....








We're in for a big week this week. 4 FULL days of chemo, and poor old Ben is gonna get hammered. I've booked the girls into kindy for 2 days each, to minimise the noise/work for us at home so Ben can rest, but also to make sure they're occupied and distracted while Daddy's not well.

My mother and father in law will be here for a week, and I think it'll be 'survival mode' for all. But in the meantime: Australia Day public holiday tomorrow to be enjoyed, and our 6th Wedding anniversary (Love you forever, Bear xxx).

One day at a time... one day at a time...

What are you harvesting, reading, loving, knitting, planting, buying, sticking, watching, relishing and listening to?

See you on the other side of the week!
xx

Doubters, doctors, denial, and decisions.

I was speaking to Ben this morning about his treatment and how hard it is to have faith in the medical industry through chemotherapy.

I mean, a few months ago, Ben seemed fine. He was happy and functioning, but his problem wasn't visible. His cancer was small and new, and not yet outwardly affecting him physically in anyway.

In contrast to this, now that he is having treatment, NOW his suffereing is so clearly visible. NOW he looks like someone who is sick. NOW we are being told that the poisons being injected into him are so caustic, they will burn your skin. NOW he is taking pills and pills and pills.

Suddenly, I have to put immense trust into these strangers in the medical industry, that all this suffering is for the greater good. That their intentions are pure, and that there is no conspiracy at work here. And at these times I can understand opinions like Freelees and Belles.

I don't know any facts: I only know what 'they' tell me. I have no personal experience: All the people I have ever known that have had cancer have had treatment, but have then - eventually - died. The doubters have as many anecdotes, facts and statistics as the doctors. Are any of them really the unbiased truth?

I guess the conclusion I have come to here is "I dont know", but ultimately "it's not my decision". It's Ben's body, his journey, and I support whatever he choses to do. And he chooses to put his faith in science and conventional medicine. But, that wont stop me from reading and searching. There's nothing to stop me from finding complimentary medicines and enlisting a good diet based on unprocessed, plant-based, organic, wholefoods.

I mean, It cant hurt, right?

Pills, poison, patience, and pallid poultry.

Chemo days

This week was totally consumed with chemotherapy. Ben had to go everyday at 9am, sit in a hospital chair, while his body was effectively fed poison, again, and again, and again. He's been amazing: sleeping lots, woozy and weak, but every minute he feels well enough, he's helping out or playing with the girls.

He gets nausea - there's a pill for that.
He gets dizzy - there's a pill for that.
He gets insomnia - there's a pill for that.
And he's been chronically constipated (sorry Ben!) - and you guessed it....

I feel so bloody helpless. All I can really do is make him food/drink, let him sleep, check he's remembered whatever pill he's due for, and exit the kids whenever possible so he can have some peace! Phew. It's tiring and emotionally pretty hard. And this is only after week one.

Eep.

 

On the Friday I booked both the kids into care, and went with him to keep him company for the few hours in the ward. I watched the nurses come and go: Efficient, professional, and endlessly paitient. I listened to the 93-year-old platelet-recipient in the next chair ("and he says to me 'what are you in here for?' And I say, 'I think Im pregnant'. And then he looks at my paperwork and says '*insert medical term here*: I've never heard of that!' And I said, 'Well it's probably never heard of you either!'...).  And I crocheted 2 tealight lanterns to sell at some local markets on a friends' stall.

And I won a free knitting pattern over at Foxs Lane! Woohoo! Another project! I'm thinking a beanie for a certain husband who might need a head warmer/sun-protector soon...

Some people do chemo for YEARS. Thankgod for us, it should only be 9 weeks. HOPEFULLY.

But the garden, it doth provide. It's all wild and going to seed now. But we still pick cherry toms, basil - loads of that!, lettuce, leeks, spring onion, spinach, corn, oregano, and parsley. Soon, we will hopefully pick our first Grosse Lisse tomatoes, cucumbers, beans, carrots, rocket, and more beetroot.

Corn! BIG success in a bed that nothing else could survive in because we couldn't keep the slugs away! But the corn was too tough!

What to plant next, what to plant next... ;)

We were so proud of our spotty apricots (BEST JAM EVER. SERIOUSLY!), our "Accidental we-thought-they-were-ornamental-but-they're-not-actually-they're-just-undersized Plum Jam" and our poor bent apple tree's 4 little green apples (I juiced em before the birds ate 'em!) . But our figs are so disappointing. They're HUGE! We had high hopes! But inside they're dry and completely tasteless. And before they get a chance to go really black, they get eaten (but not by us.). It's not looking good. I dont know whether it's because they dont get a chance to go fully ripe, or because the whole massive tree (well over 12 ft!) appears to be thriving from between 2 concrete slabs in an old garden bed and is deprived of water/nutrients/space..? However, every chance it gets, it send out new shoots, and it is massive and loaded with fruit, so I figure it cant be fareing too badly! Truly, you wouldn't believe the mutant base of this tree and where it's growing from. Isn't nature's resilience amazing?!

Tomatoes and basil: perfect bedfellows x (and that garden bed literally used to be A BED. Recycling, doncha know!?)

And can we recommend SWEET BITE as a cherry tomato variety?!?! Holy crud, these guys PRODUCED! For such a compect little bush (I'm talking balcony-pot-plant size!) they are LOADED with fruit, and the girls snack off those 2 little bushes every day! Highly recommended!

Discovery! We lay our glass panels (used for mini 'glasshouses' over our foam-boxed seedlings) on the weed patches in the direct summer sun! Who needs weedkiller & chemicals? Just leave it a few days, then move it somewhere else! The weeds cant handle the heat, and go brown and die! #AccidentalFarming

And our poor chookies appear to have... um... colds?! I've noticed a few looking listless, and they appear to have 'snotty' beaks and bubbly eyes... OMG - what?! You guys cant be sick too?! So Im frantically googling and I've added some garlic granules to their drinking water. and I swear I saw some lice on one of them... (There's probably a pill for that.)

So tonight I'm listening to the wild wind, contemplating a shower and the washing up, googling chook antibiotics, wondering WHY THE HELL Katie isn't going to sleep, drinking tea, savouring a belly full of cauliflower crust pizza (TRY IT), feeling grateful to live in a country that offers subsidised childcare in difficult circumstances, and trying to breathe deeply and evenly.

One day at a time.

-xx-

Summer, saurkraut, sand and survival.

41 degrees celcius yesterday - and we survived! Thanks to all our preventive mulching and watering, the garden seems to have held up, and the chooks spent their day in under the bushes in the gardens and being very sensible.



Thankfully, the girls were still up on the South Coast of NSW with my parents having a ball at the beach, and blissfully cool.





We spent the christmas break up there enjoying family time in the sand and saltwater. Katie's cousin Harry even taught her to fish. In her crown and tutu: Of course!



But now it's back to the farm, and my parents have kept the girls for a week extra holiday to allow Ben and I sometime to arm ourselves against the next few weeks, where Ben will be undergoing his chemotherapy. My aim was to get the house clean (I can do this better when I dont have 2 little mud princesses here undoing my good work as fast as I can get it done!), get some meals prepped, my freezer and pantry full, and my paperwork in order. Plus go out for dinner, ride my horse, and sleep in a few times!

We accidentally grew 2 potatoes! Woohoo! #accidentalfarming #accidentalharvest

The garden had absolutley EXPLODED in the week we were away! I came come to a bucket full of peas (all now shelled and in the freezer!) and a nice little stash of apricots, which have a 'rust' on them unfortunatley, but still taste AMAZING and made a HUGE jar of apricot jam! Recipe here if you wanna try it: Super easy! Used it for plum jam and apricot - works great for both!)



And I planted some wheatgrass. Wheat grass juice: We'll be doing it lots. Here's a handy youtube how-to. And I was inspired to do it via this. Plus it's a really yummy green juice shot/add in for your juices. (Note: You really need a slow juicer or a mastication juicer to do wheatgrass. Normal centrifugal juicers dont work on wheatgrass. Not sure why, but I've tried, and they don't! I got my hurom-style juicer from Target for $60 and it's worked a treat! One day though, I'd love one of these babies...!)



So I bought my peat ($2 from Bunnings - bargain.) and soaked it in 4.5L of water in a bucket.



I soaked my organic wheat overnight in a jar on a windowsill til it started to germinate.



And I put down a thin layer of damp peat, a thin layer of wheat, and another thin layer of damp peat over the top and put it in my mudroom on the window ledge. I'll let you know how it goes...



I also decided to stock my freezer with food and easy crock-pot/slowcooker meals for hassle-free dinners on chemo days. I spent a whole day chopping veg from my produce market, but now have a freezer full of ziplock bags that I can dump into my slowcooker in the morning, add water, and come home to dinner done at night! things like Pumpkin soup, minestrone, lentil bolognese, veggie noodle souple (just add chicken if you like!), and mexi-beans. Plus I bought 2 BBQ chooks and broke them down into stirfry/soup pieces and put them in freezer bags for meals. And I froze some bananas and blueberries for smoothies. The freezer is *STOCKED*.



On the super-hot day, I decided to try making Belle's saurkraut from The Whole Pantry book. (Have you read it? Its beautiful. Santa bought it for me for christmas!)



Let me tell you - it is YUMMY. I had to stop myself from eating it all then and there! But it needs a few days to ferment so we can get some good bacteria going in there!



...Hurry up saurkraut!

Ben shaved his hair short the other day in preparation, and seeing him like that really brought it crashing down around my ears for a few moments, to be honest. It's gonna be a big few weeks and sometimes I really feeling the fear of the unknown creeping in. At those times I just breathe and repeate a few mantras:

1. Just keep going. Be in the moment. Do what you need to do. Get it done.
2. Ask for help.
3. This too will pass.
4. Breathe, slow down, be here.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Thankyou for stopping by my blog. It's nice to know we're not alone x

Christmas Concerts, Chemotherapy, Crayons and Cookbooks.

Things are winding up for the year, but it doesn't mean we're any less busy! Infact we're flying around to christmas carols, end of year functions, concerts, and presentations! Phew! We had a busy one when both Kate's ballet concert AND hip hop end of year concert were on on the same weekend!



Which was tonnes of fun and SO SO cute. Ben even came third in the Dad's Dance-off competition! (That was at the hip hop concert. Would've been a very different competition at the ballet concert.)



Thie girls have decorated and helped me wrap presents. Kate made all of her friends presents this year, and we made handmade gifts for the family. Our decorating in the house is fairly minimal, as we'll spend christmas day and boxing day with our families up in NSW. Cookie the dog will come with us for the trip, but Will and the chooks will stay behind to man the fort! They're being fed by a friend while we're gone. Ugh, I HATE not seeing my horse on christmas day. He is very much a part of my family and I hate that I cant give him his bag of carrots and cuddles on the day. Oh well, its only a few days.



At least he finally seems to have acclimatised to Melbourne, and is looking really well! Finally! He had us a bit worried there for a while!

It's been fairly hot and muggy - which the garden loves! - but which sends us inside most afternoons to escape the heat! The girls have taken to drawing and colouring of late. Its cute to see them getting along so well together. And though Tara still doesn't say much, she always lets us know in no uncertain terms what she wants. The girls are so different that way!: Katie was an very sweet, easy going, even tempered baby. Tara is a firey, spirited kid. She wants to do it on her own! She wants THAT one, no not that one, THAT one. She wants her pink hair clip, to wear these shoes, and what you're eating! She makes me laugh - she definitely knows her own mind already!





The chooks have been laying 6 eggs a day, and Lennon seems to have finally recovered his mojo! And his crow!



Mrs Fox seems to have settled down a bit now - I think her babies may have left the den. She's less ravenous for food, and we've not seen her or her young ones for a few weeks. Which makes me really happy as I've been able to let the chooks free range again for a good part of each day.







Tara adores the chooks, and they have absolutely no fear of her. She loves to collect the eggs and feed them bread scraps. Although you have to be sure she doesn't mix the 2 jobs up: Today she collected the eggs in her bucket, then promptly sat down took and egg out and threw it to the chooks. Whoops. I managed to save the other 5 and swap them for actual chook food before she tossed any more!



Its such a privildge to live here and have this life, and I feel lucky everyday with the freedom and space the girls have, and that we can grow this food and these animals. I cant imagine life in an inner-city apartment. It would certinly be very very different.



However we're not that isolated that we're cut-off from city amenities, which is lucky, as Ben recently received the bad news that he has had Testicular Cancer and will need to undergo some chemo therapy in the new year following the surgery he just had. It was certainly a shock, I was so sure he was going to be cleared, it took me a while to get a grip on myself. We have had such a tough and life-changing 12 months: Why was this happening to us?! Now?! When we have 2 young kids, no family around us, and just before christmas!? It wasnt fair! We're good people! ben is young and strong. We've been through so much already!? Why why why?!

I still dont know. All I know is that cancer happens to lots of very good people, and that we are strong, and we will get through this thing too. We have to. we will take it one step at a time, and do what we need to do. And we will ask for help. And we will breathe, and hug the girls, and cry, and be angry, and just keep plodding along. that's all we can do.

Of course I did what I usually do. I went to the library.

Oh the library. Place of safety, and wonder, and information, and the smell of musty, papery, printy booky loveliness. As the only child of a single mum who worked very very long hours when I was groing up, I spent alot of time in my local library. It was my second home. My safe place. I knew all the librarians by name, and they all knew me. I had a favourite spot. I knew the opening hours off by heart. And I still feel an overwhelming sense of 'home' the minute I walk into a library. Im quite claustrophobic by nature, but I love sitting between narrow shelves with books towereing on all sides of me. A Book Igloo.

I've borrowed a few titles in preparation. Food-related, of course. Because that's my other defense mechanism: cooking. Cooking and Reading. Yeah - that's exactly what you want in an alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse. The enemy will be bearing down, and I'll be quoting Jane Austin and whipping up a souffle. Brilliant.

I've borrowed Belle Gibson's The Whole Pantry - she's a woman living with inoperable brain cancer, who is treating herself wholistically and using alternative means. I've borrowed The Cancer Fighting Kitchen - I gotta try this broth! And Pete Evan's Healthy Every Day - which is a bit intimidating, I have to say. Ceviche? Okra? Yuzu? Gremolata? Whut?! Slow down, Pete! Slow down!



But first: Christmas. All that can wait til after christmas.

I've made my Nanny Dorothy's famous christmas pudding - an annual tradition - and it's ready for custard and cream! Here's the recipe, passed down through 4 generations of women in my family, and the pudding making-torch will be passed to Katie when she's older.

Make it. And eat it warm, with custrad, surrounded by your loved ones. And dont forget to tip your face skyward and tell Dorothy how yummy it is. Give her a thumbs up: She'd like that.

Dorothy's Famous Chrissy Pud


500g mixed dried fruit (whatever you like! I like sultanas, blueberries, cherries and currants.)
6 oz plain flour (Yeah it's ounces. it's an old recipe k?! Try finging a converter online. There's an app for that...)
1/2 t mixed spice
1/2 t nutmeg
2 oz breadcrumbs
4 oz butter (do yourself a favour use butter, not marg!)
1 grated carrot (see?! Veggies! Healthy!)
3 oz brown sugar
3 eggs (please choose free range x )
dash vanilla
1 t lemon juice
1 t Parisian Essence (Yes that's a thing. It's in the supermarket. Near the vanilla essences and food colouring and stuff...)
Brandy to flavour. (Or rum essence in a pinch)


Soak fruit in brandy (or essence) overnight in a sealed container, shaking occasionally. In a large bowl, sift flour and spices. Add butter and belend well. Add crumbs, fruit mix, carrot and brown suagr. Mix then add beaten eggs and essences. (If the mix is too thick, you can moisten it with a little milk.)
Place in a well-greased pudding tin, placing alfoil across the top then the lid to ensure a good seal.Place pudding dish into a large boiler pot. Fill pot with boiling water, so water leverl is just under the lid of the pudding dish. (Place a marble or two in the water - if it's beginning to boil dry, the marble will 'ting-ting-ting' on the side of the pot and warn you!) Constantly top up water as needed. place lid on and boil 5 hours.



Well, I hope you have a wonderful chrissy/holiday with your loved ones.
How will you spend it?

Drive safely, be happy, give generously, laugh muchly.
xx